Cavity Exploration

Our guest blogger at the end of the week will be the most powerful man on the planet, Barack Obama. The Moose had forwarded a list of questions to The White House. Yesterday was spent in the company of several large security officials, three pairs of latex gloves and a dog. Moose HQ was swept for bugs and I can confirm that none were found in the building. I have been given an orange jumpsuit and await further travel arrangements to an island somewhere in the Caribbean. The London Bookfair looms and hopefully we have someone there to sell the foreign rights for 'The art of being dead.' For a small publisher like Bluemoose Books any foreign rights sales are a boon to future publishing as we can invest monies that we receive, after paying the author his due, into books we have ready and waiting. Still no word from the two Johnnies, Messrs Depp and Marr. May I warn them that Barack's latex wearing friends are on their way to ask them a few questions.

Royal Engagement

It is with great pleasure that The Moose and The House of Windsor, formerly Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, announce the engagement of The Moose and Prince William. Their previous love was thwarted by the arcane rulings of the Acts of Settlement and Succession which banned someone dipped in the Vatican font from marrying into the royal family. No longer. The marriage will take place in 2010 and will be officiated by Sir David Attenborough. Dress will be informal, although any reference made to the Teutonic Couture House, circa 1939-45, beloved by so many European Royals, will not be appreciated. The Moose's Mother will not be in attendance having been shot by Prince Philip in the summer of 1976. She is now a hat stand at The Canadian Enbassy in London. All presents, gifts, monies and small countries gratefully accepted.
Thanks go to Jane at, http://www.howpublishingreallyworks.com/ for her pitch party yesterday. I've surfed the cyber blogging world and if I haven't managed to thank everyone who popped along to Moose HQ, I'm doing so now. Thanks.
Off to make the outfit for the G20 demonstration on Thursday. If you see any antlers next to Obama and Gordon, It is I, The Moose, reeking revenge.

My Lost Hour

I am in a rush becasue the Time Lords have stolen an hour from me. Is there someone I can complain to? John Major had the Cone Hotline, does Gordon have the Hour loss directive you can vent your spleen at?The good people of this sceptred isle have voted with their wallets and not bought Ms Myerson's exploitative book about her son. Even after the square miles of column inches from her meeja chums it has failed to hit the bestselling charts. My faith has been restored. Is this some kind of celebrity backlash? Probably not, but it just goes to show if you call yourself a fiction writer, do just that. Write fiction, don't drag your family into your stories and expose them for profit. After the cash cow that was Harry Potter, I think Bloomsbury may have a few returns to sign for. Off to try and reclaim my lost hour. How long will the queue be?

Freud's a Fraud

Well I'll go to the bottom of our stairs! Notes from a bookseller. Yesterday I got an email for Jonathan at Bookseller Crow on the hill in London. They are participating in the Exclusively Independent promotion, and as you know, The art of being dead is one of the titles being showcased. Yann Martel(Life of Pi), his partner bought a copy of Steve's book, and by the 6 degrees of seperation law, Steve is a Booker winner. So the Moose got to work. I got in contact with the biggest and most high profile PR company in the land. Freud Communications. They are steller. Have a filofax of names that's bigger than God's. Mrs Freud is Elisabeth Murdoch, daughter of you know who. Ssh, he may be listening. Anyway, I contacted them and asked them to do some Pro Bono work for Bluemoose. Well, they're massive and now that we've won a prize, we needed someone to sort out all the glitzy networking. Get The art of being dead reviewed in all the Big Papers. They haven't returned my emails. Stewards of Bah. I will have to call in a few favours from my favourite Astral tar and featherer. Holistic knee capping isn't out of the question either. Mr. Freud, I wouldn't worry about your dreams, mate, I'd worry about the
be-antlered publisher charging at you from all points north.
If you happen to be travelling to Hebden Bridge, you will see in the wonderful Station Cafe on Platform One, The Bluemoose Library. Free books to read and share. It's the way forward because you never know who'll pick one up and then make a film. Tarantino often pops over to Hebden to refuel his creative thermos flask. On the Hollywood front, no word from Johnny Depp. Mind you it is Easter time, I bet that Vanessa woman has got him up the ladders doing a bit of a spring cleaning. These pirates, what can you do?

Book Shifter

The Moose has been to Londinium again. Twice in two weeks. So it wasn't me who threw a brick at Sir Fred's House. Titter ye not. Laugh, my antlers are still glowing.I apologise to the CCTV operatives in the various Waterstones in London who witnessed a man in a big coat taking Steve's book off the shelves, you can't sell them there, spine on, and moved them onto the tables that were promoting, Cult Fiction,' It was I. I'm trying to make you money. It works, ask managers in the North. I am a book shifter. I am trying to knock up a draught that once taken will make me invisible. Or perhaps I'll read Mary Poppins again.
We're on the road again next week, so if you're in the Cambridge area The Moose and Steve Clayton, author of 'The art of being dead,' will be at Borders Cambridge @ 6.30pm on Thursday the 2nd of April. Steve will be doing a reading and I'll be answering questions on indie publishing. The event has been organised by Cambridgeshire Libraries and their reading groups. The Moose was born in Ely, which is just down the road from Cambridge but I haven't been back since I was 15, which is several moons ago. Steve will also be appearing on Radio Cambridge @ 3.00pm on The Sue Dougan Show, so if you can't get to the event, tune in, and listen to tales of derring do, life with John Peel, turning down Marc Bolan for the drummers job for T.Rex and listening to what Scott Pack at http://www.meandmybigmouth.typepad.com/ says is a 'brilliant novel from a significant new writer should be hailed as such.'
Off to find my young persons Chemistry set.

Selling Children

The Moose is soon to do a 'Myerson.' I have been signed up by a national newspaper to tell porkies, discuss what my children do, listen in on their coversations, read their diaries and then write about them, sex drugs and Facebook. I thought child prostitution was illegal in this country, apparently not. If you have the right Meeja credentials, attend the right dinner parties and speak the same language then you'll be signed up by a publisher, make lots of money, wring your hands and then appear in lots of newspapers and on TV channels. The whole episode stinks.
To sell your children for profit will now be called, 'A Myerson.'

Gaol or Bust

I had an interesting email conversation with a journalist from The Observer yesterday. He was trying to justify why his newspaper had gone all gooey over the recent Jeffrey Archer book, three weeks and lots of column inches about the great author and perjurer. His defence was, 'He's got a book to promote and he's famous.' Well that's what I call cutting edge journalism. No wonder they're losing readers by the thousands with creative thinking like that. So Celebrity Authors are here to stay. Heaven forfend that they may actually review anything from a new writer with something different to say. So, to get continuous coverage in The Observer you have to be over 70, have served time at her majesty's pleasure, be famous and love cricket. Simples.

Avast abaft and Archer

Now, I'm not going to cast the first stone at our literary friend, the disgraced Lord Archer of Perjury, go on then, here's a googly, but why has The Observer given valuable column inches to him every Sunday in its last three issues? Yes he has a new book out, that's one Sunday's considered lit ed piece, but then the following Sunday we get a substantial piece on his love of cricket, literary content none, and yesterday there is another considerable chunk given over to him and his historical faux pas. And there was a picture of his new book plastered over the Archfest love in. What has he over the Observer? Or has his publisher Macmillan being wining and dining everyone at that independent organ at Heston Bluementhal's bug free cafe? PR nonsense, but very successful at that. Now Observer people, I know times are hard but you really are serving your readers short with stuff like this. With paper sales going through the floor, you're not doing yourselves any favours. I'm taking my two pounds and taking it elsewhere. That's one less sale, plus I will be telling everyone I know. That's two sales down the plughole. The future of the novel is in new writers not celebrity cricket playing disgraced peers. Now Mr Editor, can you find the clue in the word NEWSpaper? Yes, now get your quill out and do your job or tinternet boy will do it for you.

Passive Reading

It is now officially safe to read again. Government officials coordinating with the World Bank have agreed that there is now enough money in the world economy to go out and buy books. Due to the success of quantative easing, we don't now have to buy 'safe' books anymore. It has been decreed that bold and original fiction can be read without affecting your credit rating.
You can return all celeberity books and receive a full credit. Health warnings on new writing has been removed but you can't read them in company. Passive Reading can be dangerous.

The Blue Prize For Literature

Bluemoose Books along with its co partners, Apple, is proud to announce the biggest prize in Literature. The £150,000 annual fiction prize will be awarded to what the panel of judges think is the most groundbreaking piece of fiction written by a male from the United Kingdom.
The prize is open to males, over the age of 40 born in June, between the 16th and 22nd of that month.

The judges will be.

Two sticks Tony.
Me
Geoff the Postman
And a librarian.

The closing date for entries is October 31. 2009